Question and answer: Why I work out

Question: Do you work out for yourself, or for other people?

Answer:

I don't think I (or anyone) does anything for anyone other than ourselves. Every action starts with an "I want..." so even if the action is focussed on others, or not, it's always for our own reasons and our own goals.

But I think you're asking if I work out to make myself look good so that other people will look at me, or do I work out because of how it makes me feel even if no one is looking.

I know it's both. The percentages I'm not so sure of.

There is power in having people find me physically attractive and in certain circumstances being bulkier/more muscular makes me more attractive. For me, that power gets directed at calming my self-image issues and at making me feel less shy around other people. That said, too much of a good thing is not good and there are times where being so very much someone's physical type precludes any interaction other than performing as part of their fantasy. Which is boring. But since I don't go out to bars much at all that isn't usually a problem, and in general it's just a lot easier interacting with people when I do. People are more likely to to talk to me first which removes from me the uncertainty of not knowing if they want to talk to me at all, which is what makes my talking to them first difficult.

Thinking about it, though, I don't tend to hang out with people who value working out over things like being interesting, being smart, being talented, being generous with their attention or affection or interest or joy, and I can honestly say it doesn't occur to me to judge people based on it. I don't believe that any of them care about me physically or like me more, or less, because of my physical shape. I really don't have any gym-going close friends and the people I know who do work out, we never make it a point to work out together or talk about it much at all. And I would, but it doesn't seem to happen. I'm highly unlikely to ever be seen sweeping down the avenue in, say, Chelsea with a pack of muscle marys my age, casting shade at those less physically gorgeous (but as was pointed out in another person's journal, most of my age peer group is dead.)

I guess it's a healthy thing that I don't seek out people who are as superficial as I sound in the paragraph before the last.

I do enjoy the actual act of lifting weights. If I'm working out alone I listen to music (usually mixes by whereispaco) and I can get sort of zoned out, in my body, aware of my form and the muscle(s) I'm working and the arc I'm moving through and quieting my "this is TOO HARD!" voice and noticing that I am indeed getting stronger. Feeling strong is a nice feeling for me. Feeling big is sort of fun, too. I was always the skinny gawky unathletic fag kid and I feel like I can now choose to not be that.

I try not to focus on how much weight I'm moving and I never ever think that someone is judging me based on it. Working out with a trainer means they keep track or (like my current trainer) it's more about upping the weights on two warm up sets and determining the weight for the final sets. I do keep track of how much I do on squats, though, since I'm far stronger on that now than I ever was.

I also know that being physically active makes me feel better, lifts my mood. My family tends towards being unhealthy from being overweight - it doesn't take much for the blood pressure to go up or the type II diabetes to flare. In those departments I'm doing very well. Ernie points out that if that was all it was about I'd be doing a lot more cardio, or crossfit types of work (like those guys in the gym who are like Sarah Conner preparing for The Terminator) and that's true, and I think that possibly after this round of working really hard/eating lots/packing on weight I'm going to switch to that for the summer.

But maybe not. I'm realizing that I'm focussed on this and that this focus is good for me. Choosing to get enough sleep, to not party, to avoid things that make me feel physically less capable is omething I want to do because otherwise I will loose momentum. Everything that contributes to that kind of thinking is very healthy-making for me.

(It's question month, and my lower back is still sore so you can leave me questions here.